Cornelius @CorneliusHecker@mastodon.lol

Sometimes living as a multiply disabled traumatized person feels like living in a world surrounded by strange demons who could seem safe for a moment, but for a great number of unknown reasons could turn on you at any time.

I want to explore ways to explain and conceptualize for myself, the state of half-awareness I often enter, where I am both aware but also not there, my self leaving my body but yet somehow I can still see, somehow things still happen even though I'm not "there"

Halloween feels like way to much work this year but I hope people give me free candy anyway

One thing that annoys me about non-disabled people is I complain about something, often that they did or said, and they go "You are going to be dealing with that your entire life"
...I know??
Doesn't mean I want to.
Doesn't mean you actively have to be part of that.

When I'm explaining disability issues to non-disabled people, I often end up feeling like for them to understand I have to explain it on like a kindergarten level and explaining the same simple shit to grown adults over and over gets me cranky after a few years.

I really want either a new mystery dungeon game or a switch version of explorers of sky

My life is just a big loop, that loops
I am mostly okay with my big loop, but it does clearly bother many over time.

If covid gave me more overall brainfog, I will need to fight someone.

I've had my c-ptsd so thoroughly triggered repeatedly this last month, it seems to be acting on a hair trigger now. I'll feel fine, then something small comes up and suddenly I feel like I'm going to puke and want to die.
This doesn't feel sustainable, but I can't just, stop interacting with people forever and never interact with the world again.

I finally was able to watch episodes 9 and 10 of Extraordinary Attorney Woo
It really is rare to watch a show with an autistic main character and not feel uncomfortable the entire time. Not perfect at all, should of used an autistic actor for one, but this is a great k-drama in general.

I saw a half dead katydid today, I felt very upset.
He was big, so surely if people paid even a little attention his death would of been avoidable. He was partly crushed, somehow in such a way to reach his jaw and the end of his body. I moved him out of the walkway.
I would of tried to help him further, but with his mouth damaged I figured survival was too unlikely and he'd just be stressed.
Bugs deserve better.

If there are many lives, I hope my next one is as a flying cockroach who lives somewhere warm and comfy, surrounded by food.

People really just trigger my c-PTSD and then decide my reactions are my fault and they are completely in the clear.
I'm very sick of humans.
Just would love not to be treated as a disposable object for once in my damn life.

I wish I could figure out how to give myself grace, to actually like myself and to want to see myself do well.
I already live in a world that would *clearly* like to see me dead already. Instead of internalizing that, would be better to counter it. I'm bad at it though, I don't like myself that much.

I'm learning and trying to remember that other disabled people's advice very likely often won't work for me either because even if they have one of the same disabilities as me, I have a body-mind that is every complex and every experience of disability is affected and influenced by another.
However learning this is making me feel very lonely.

All of my complains end up sounding like an unending loop to people who hear them, but I cannot shake them loose. The same events that happened to me years ago as a child are stuck in my mind, as if engraved into it.
I wish, so badly I could just get over it, just stop thinking about it. But I can't.
People pointing out that I can't, that it's a loop, makes me feel like a failure- which successfully reinforces the trauma with shame.

I'm questioning if I will ever "recover" from from 2020 to now. I knew most people didn't give a shit about disabled people. I did know. But it's been so obvious, so in my face, for years now. So casual, so constant. I hardly trust anyone these days. I'm tired and angry and out of anger.

I'm thinking about the times in my life I've hallucinated (It happens when I get very stressed but so far is always temporary) and people hear about them, with the first reaction being great concern so I rarely talk about it. But those experiences were all quite protective. They gave me a mode to process big emotions and overwhelm I had no way to process in the moment.
I don't get why people are scared of them, or also self harm, but never of the severe overwhelm.