Death, Covid 

I am experiencing dread because a hell ton of people I respected in the disability community, people I learned from the works of and interacted with, died during the pandemic-
Yet I can't remember most of their names.
Normally I can deal with my shit memory, this is not one of the times. I'm filled with grief but I can't remember who for.

Sometimes living as a multiply disabled traumatized person feels like living in a world surrounded by strange demons who could seem safe for a moment, but for a great number of unknown reasons could turn on you at any time.

I want to explore ways to explain and conceptualize for myself, the state of half-awareness I often enter, where I am both aware but also not there, my self leaving my body but yet somehow I can still see, somehow things still happen even though I'm not "there"

Halloween feels like way to much work this year but I hope people give me free candy anyway

One thing that annoys me about non-disabled people is I complain about something, often that they did or said, and they go "You are going to be dealing with that your entire life"
...I know??
Doesn't mean I want to.
Doesn't mean you actively have to be part of that.

When I'm explaining disability issues to non-disabled people, I often end up feeling like for them to understand I have to explain it on like a kindergarten level and explaining the same simple shit to grown adults over and over gets me cranky after a few years.

I really want either a new mystery dungeon game or a switch version of explorers of sky

My life is just a big loop, that loops
I am mostly okay with my big loop, but it does clearly bother many over time.

@raphaelmorgan instead of flirting in any manner I think we should all go back to "HI, my name is (name) let's be friends"
Or if that's too blunt then alternatively someone may hand me a plate of food as a sign of their friendship.

If covid gave me more overall brainfog, I will need to fight someone.

Cornelius boosted

I won't apologize though, if a neurotypical doesn't want to know how my day was they should simply not fucking ask

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Mental health shit... again 

I've had my c-ptsd so thoroughly triggered repeatedly this last month, it seems to be acting on a hair trigger now. I'll feel fine, then something small comes up and suddenly I feel like I'm going to puke and want to die.
This doesn't feel sustainable, but I can't just, stop interacting with people forever and never interact with the world again.

@raphaelmorgan It's been quite a while since I watched bones, for the most part I remember liking it, but I vaguely remember an episode involving a cannon autistic character and a video game and feeling uncomfortable with it (I don't remember why or anything clearly though). I definitely agree about Zack.

I finally was able to watch episodes 9 and 10 of Extraordinary Attorney Woo
It really is rare to watch a show with an autistic main character and not feel uncomfortable the entire time. Not perfect at all, should of used an autistic actor for one, but this is a great k-drama in general.

Death, including description 

I saw a half dead katydid today, I felt very upset.
He was big, so surely if people paid even a little attention his death would of been avoidable. He was partly crushed, somehow in such a way to reach his jaw and the end of his body. I moved him out of the walkway.
I would of tried to help him further, but with his mouth damaged I figured survival was too unlikely and he'd just be stressed.
Bugs deserve better.

If there are many lives, I hope my next one is as a flying cockroach who lives somewhere warm and comfy, surrounded by food.

@com0ddity Thank you, you seem nice as well
It's just after a life of being treated like shit, it's hard to stop seeing yourself as shit

People really just trigger my c-PTSD and then decide my reactions are my fault and they are completely in the clear.
I'm very sick of humans.
Just would love not to be treated as a disposable object for once in my damn life.

I wish I could figure out how to give myself grace, to actually like myself and to want to see myself do well.
I already live in a world that would *clearly* like to see me dead already. Instead of internalizing that, would be better to counter it. I'm bad at it though, I don't like myself that much.

@raphaelmorgan Haha yeah
Family doesn't work well for advice for me, but that's partly because most of them are the types to say "tough it out" and then to get confused when I can't.

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