I know this is just part of the Gay Operating System for many of us, it's nothing unusual. Welcome to being a gay man, you have MascOS preinstalled, it comes with adult ripples of childhood trauma, body dysmorphia, a selection of eating disorders, and a haunting sense of inauthenticity. Upgrade now for the Chemsex patch, which provides an immediate fix!
*chemsex patch is unstable and no liability is admitted for subsequent breakdowns
When I started back at the gym I *absolutely* told myself I wasn't going to get hung up on my looks, but 8 months in I've chonked out a lot and I'm now unavoidably looking on the mirror and thinking, if I just lost 10kg of fat I'd be stonking
It's all daft, isn't it? I never think that about other bodies. And, personally, I find lots of different physiques appealing. But with myself... always the judgy judgy
On the train, hanging out by the loos, in true Pride spirit
Smaller town Prides are more critical than the big city ones, pass it on
I would really like to be getting a LOT more dick tho and honestly, my main way of doing that was always in a darkroom, and occasionally with fuckbuddies. But for fuckbuddies to happen you need to have a gay social scene and gays don't manifest in woodland*
*Hampstead Heath doesn't count
Which is all to say...
I can see the attraction of Elsewhere. I've lived a big gay urban life before and it was FUN and it was dangerous, and now older and wiser I know I could have more fun and don't need the danger. I do... I do *want* that
But also I think, in this place I've never quite taken to, I overlook the preciousness, to me, of being so close to being so far away
I'm applying for the job. But, if they offer, I'm not sure I'll accept
Gay scenes necessarily only form on urban centres, and usually in large urban centres. The Gay Scene is ultimately an urban scene. And the parts of the scene I gel with - the kinkier, grimier, queerer parts - I do enjoy, a hell of a lot! And I don't do Grindr hookups, I need face to face introductions, which means in Sheffield there's.... not much opportunity for me to even exist as a sexual person. That side of me has just... mostly evaporated
I grew up in a little village, and as a teenager whenever I felt miserable and lost I'd go walking alone in the woods. We were a camping, hiking family, my dad a geologist, and we'd go walking on the hills, him pointing out features of the land, the old hills. And that's really where my soul still is, I think
I don't think I'm usual, in gay men my age, to have a pretty fragmented identity. I spent most of my adolescence crushing my sexual self and wondering why I felt so isolated. Then I came out and initially embraced the gay scene full on, mainlining it onto my soul, the answer to all my grief and woe. Of course, it wasn't the answer, and my sense of self became even more fractured and confused
I've applied for a job Elsewhere. Even tho it's higher pay, I'll end up with substantially less cash for savings. But Elsewhere has an actual gay scene, and culture, and a real city buzz. I could be out of Sheffield, with it's discoloration of disappointment and loss, its bitter tang.
But I'd also be far far away from being able to just step out of my front door, and to the woods
Not necessarily out to the Peaks, but just over a couple of postcodes. In one direction, woods and hills; in two others, river valley. And I've really got used to that
Gay Buddhist gym rat. Tinkering with Linux. Walking in the Peaks. Technically poly, actually single. Occasionally NSFW.
Trying to do better
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