I've never liked living in Sheffield - it was the raft I cling to as a bipolar storm wreaked havoc on my life, tore apart my job and my home and my future plans. It's not Sheffield's fault that I associate it with that pain, but I do, and in my unkinder moment I despise this place
But I can also walk out of my front door, and within 20 mins be walking among hills, and dry stone wall
I've applied for a job Elsewhere. Even tho it's higher pay, I'll end up with substantially less cash for savings. But Elsewhere has an actual gay scene, and culture, and a real city buzz. I could be out of Sheffield, with it's discoloration of disappointment and loss, its bitter tang.
But I'd also be far far away from being able to just step out of my front door, and to the woods
I don't think I'm usual, in gay men my age, to have a pretty fragmented identity. I spent most of my adolescence crushing my sexual self and wondering why I felt so isolated. Then I came out and initially embraced the gay scene full on, mainlining it onto my soul, the answer to all my grief and woe. Of course, it wasn't the answer, and my sense of self became even more fractured and confused
I grew up in a little village, and as a teenager whenever I felt miserable and lost I'd go walking alone in the woods. We were a camping, hiking family, my dad a geologist, and we'd go walking on the hills, him pointing out features of the land, the old hills. And that's really where my soul still is, I think
Which is all to say...
I can see the attraction of Elsewhere. I've lived a big gay urban life before and it was FUN and it was dangerous, and now older and wiser I know I could have more fun and don't need the danger. I do... I do *want* that
But also I think, in this place I've never quite taken to, I overlook the preciousness, to me, of being so close to being so far away
I'm applying for the job. But, if they offer, I'm not sure I'll accept
@Buster @anandamide@mastodon. ok, lets do it. im willing to learn carpentry and building
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