el @elin@mastodon.lol

i feel so uncertain right now like when i think about a particular person my brain goes "ah yes, partner" and then "wait no, ex" and then "wait, maybe?" but the good thing is we are meeting up to talk tomorrow but the bad thing is i am so anxious it is 4am and i am not sleeping aaaaaaaaaa

anyway things are starting to get better which is good, I have plans in place now for what to do in a crisis, what to change short-term and what to do long-term. things are gonna be okay, I just hate that I lost not only my partner, but also someone I used to consider my best friend. hurts real bad. doesn't help my intense guilt around asking for help and support when I need it. but things will be okay one day. I gotta hold onto that.

Listening to @shonalika 's disstrack has been really comforting tho? like, I feel guilty for needing my partner to be there for me but it's like, obejctively a bad thing to not show up when your partner is taken to hospital, right? I hate that their partner didn't show up for them and I hate that my partner didn't show up for me but being able to find small bits of solidarity has been really really helpful

about a week ago I was taken to hospital to see an emergency psychiatrist because things were (and still are) Not Good, and through all of this my partner (they will be my ex as soon as they listen to the voicemail I left them) didn't get in touch once.

i'm starting to come out in small spaces away from my ~ real life ~ and it feels good!! i am el and i am nonbinary and i think also kind of genderfluid but one thing at a time.. feels good to start to embrace this about myself!!

(context: i have never watched house md)

it is 2am and i can't stop thinking about whether house md is called house because he's based on sherlock holmes and holmes sounds like homes and house = home owo

had a cool time on discord talking to someone who's helping me workshop my novel outline and she pointed out to me that i have a theme i didn't even know i had i love writing it makes me feel so clever uwu

@robeverybody thank you! :)

hey i've been wondering if i might want to ask people to start using they/them pronouns for me as well as she/her, could ppl please reply to this using my name alongside they/them pronouns so i can see how it feels pls

I guess my issue about websites like this is that I never feel like I'm interesting enough to be justified in sharing things? I want to change that about myself but I also don't know how. Anyway, there's that...

hey, i just got here, and this is crazy... i'm on mastodon, let's interact maybe